Blonde Jokes

THE BEST BLONDE JOKE OF THE YEAR - SO FAR

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blonde female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox.

She opened it then slammed it shut and stormed back in the house.

A little later she came out of her house again went to the mail box and again, opened it, slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.

As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.

Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, 'Is something wrong?'

To which she replied, 'There certainly is!'

(Are you ready? This is a beauty...)

'My stupid computer keeps saying, 'YOU'VE GOT MAIL!'

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BLONDE LOGIC - Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one blonde says to the other, "Which do you think is farther away... Florida or the moon?" The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida?????"

CAR TROUBLE  A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly. She says, "What's the story?" He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor" She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"

SPEEDING TICKET A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"

RIVER WALK There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I get to the other side?" The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, "You ARE on the other side."

AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE   A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it. "Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me." The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream. The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you? "Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde." "I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken."

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January
Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.

February
Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels.....
Helllloooo!!!.......bottles won't fit in printer !!!

March
Got really excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months..... box said '2-4 years!'

April
Trapped on escalator for hours .... power went out!!!

May
Tried to make Kool-Aid.....wrong instructions....8 cups of
water won't fit into those little packets!!!

June
Tried to go water skiing.......couldn't find a lake with a slope.

July
Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....learned later,
the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!

August
Got locked out of my car in rain storm..... car swamped because &n bsp;soft-top was open.

September
The capital of California is 'C'.....isn't it???

October
Hate M & M's.....they are so hard to peel.

November

Baked turkey for 4 1/2 d ays .. instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!!

December
Couldn't call 911 . 'duh'.....there's no 'eleven' button on the stupid phone!!!

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Thanksgiving & the Blonde Sister

Last year at Thanksgiving, my mom went to my sister's house for the traditional feast. Knowing how gullible my sister is, my mom decided to play a trick. She told my sister that she needed something from the store.

When my sister left, my mom took the turkey out of the oven, removed the stuffing, stuffed a Cornish hen, and inserting it into the turkey, re-stuffed the turkey. She then placed the bird(s) back in the oven.

When it was time for dinner, my sister pulled the turkey out of the oven and proceeded to remove the stuffing. When her serving spoon hit something, she reached in and pulled out the little bird.

With a look of total shock on her face, my mother exclaimed, "Patricia, you've cooked a pregnant bird!"

At the reality of this horrifying news, my sister started to cry. It took the family two hours to convince her that turkeys lay eggs!

Yep .................. SHE'S BLONDE!

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Subject: THE BLONDE PAINTER

This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these
blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid.

So, she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart.
While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint
a couple of rooms in the house.

The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to
the task at hand.

Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of
paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor
in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a heavy parka and a leather jacket at the same time.

He goes over and asks her if she is OK. She replies yes.

He asks what she is doing and she replies that she wanted to prove
to him that not all blonde women are dumb, and she wanted to do it, by
painting the house. He then asks her why she has a parka over her leather jacket.

She replied that she was reading the directions on the paint can and it said.

You'll love this .

Yep... I know you will .


"FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS"

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BOB AND THE BLONDE

Bob, a handsome dude, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 PM. He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV. The 10 PM news was coming on, and the news crew was covering a story of a man preparing to jump from a ledge of a large building.

The blonde looked at Bob and said, 'Do you think he'll jump?'

Bob said, 'You know, I bet he'll jump.'

The blonde said, 'Well, I bet he won't.'

Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, 'You're on!'

Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death.

The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Bob saying, 'Fair's fair. Here's your money.'

Bob said, 'I can't take your money. I saw this
earlier on the 5 PM news and so I knew he would jump.'

The blonde commented, 'I did, too, but I didn't
think he'd do it again.'

Bob took the money.

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A blonde lady in Fort Worth ,who liked to do yard work, took her weed wacker out to cut down some tall weeds and grass. Not seeing her cat hidden in the grass she accidently cut off the cat's tail.

She immediately rushed the cat to Wall Mart for assistance as she knew that they were the world's biggest retailer!

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A blind man wanders into an all girls biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee.

After sitting there for awhile, he yells to the waiter, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is only fair -- given that you are blind -- that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.

3. I'm a 6 foot tall, 175 lb. Blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.

5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler."

"Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters,

"No... Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

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One hot summer day, a blonde came to town with her dog, tied it under the shade of a tree, and headed into a restaurant for something cold to drink.

Twenty minutes later, a policeman entered the restaurant and asked, 'Who owns the dog tied under that tree outside?'

The blonde said it was hers.

'Your dog seems to be in heat' the officer said.

The blonde replied, 'No way. She's cool 'cause she's tied up under that shade tree.'

The policeman said, 'No! You don't understand. Your dog needs to be bred.'

'No way,' said the blonde. 'My dog doesn't need bread. She isn't hungry 'cause I fed her this mornin.'

The exasperated policeman said, 'NO! You don't understand. Your dog wants to have sex!'

(Your gotta love this)


The blonde looked at the cop and said, 'Well, go ahead. I always wanted a police dog.

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Two friends, a blonde and a redhead, are walking down the street and pass a flower shop where the redhead sees her boyfriend buying her flowers.

The Redhead sighs and says: "Oh crap, my boyfriend is buying me flowers?again."

The blonde looks quizzically at her and says:

"You don't like getting flowers from your boyfriend?"

The redhead replies: "I love getting flowers, but he always has expectations after giving me flowers, and I just don't feel like spending the next three days on my back with my legs in the air."

The blonde says: ........"Don't you have a vase?"

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She was Soooooooo Blonde ..

* She thought a quarterback was a refund.

* She thought General Motors was in the army.

* She thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.

* She thought Boyz II Men was a day care center.

* At the bottom of an application where it says "Sign here:" she wrote "Sagittarius."

* She took the ruler to bed to see how long she slept.

* She sent a fax with a stamp on it.

* Under "education" on her job application, she put "Hooked On Phonics."

* She tripped over a cordless phone.

* She spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can because it said "Concentrate."

* She told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DON'T WALK."

* She tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.

* She studied for a blood test.

* She sold the car for gas money.

* When she missed bus #44 she took bus #22 twice instead.

* When she went to the airport and saw a sign that said, "Airport Left,"
she turned around and went home.

* When she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.

* She thought if she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless.

* She thought that she could not use her AM radio in the evening.

* She had a shirt that said "TGIF," which she thought stood for "This Goes In Front."

AND MY PERSONAL FAVORITE:

* She thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company.