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Just Funny Stuff |
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Oil Change instructions for Women: |
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Male Vs. Female at the ATM Machine MALE PROCEDURE:
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*************************************************************************************************************** What I Want in a Man, Original List:
What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 32) 1. Nice looking
What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 42) 1. Not too ugly
What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 52)
1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed
What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 62) 1. Doesn't scare small children 10. Remembers that it's the weekend
What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 72) |
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****************************************************************************************************** This one is priceless... The Wrong email address. A lesson to be learned from typing the wrong email address!!!! A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email. Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston , a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. My Dearest Love, I know you're surprised to hear from me. I've just arrived and have been checked in. They have computers here now and we are allowed to send emails to our loved ones. Love Always, Your Devoted Husband |
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************************************************************************************************************ THE WORLD'S SHORTEST PSYCHIATRIC JOKE A man walks into a psychiatrist's office wearing only underwear made of Saran Wrap. |
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*************************************************************************************************** During these serious times people of all faiths should remember these 4 religious truths: 1. Muslims do not recognize Jews as God's chosen people. |
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****************************************************************************************************** By all Means... MARRY!
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************************************************************************************************************* THE WHY'S OF MEN
***************************************************************************************** One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweat-shirt Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, 'What setting do I use on the washing machine?'
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Political Science for Dummies
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********************************************************************************************** The True Test This test only has one question, but it's a very important one. By giving an honest answer, you will discover where you stand morally. The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation in which you will have to make a decision. Remember that your answer needs to be honest, yet spontaneous. You are a photojournalist working for a major newspaper, and You're caught in the middle of this epic disaster. The situation is nearly hopeless. You're trying to shoot career-making photos. There are houses and people swirling around you, some disappearing under the water. Nature is unleashing all of its destructive fury. You suddenly realize who it is. It's Hillary Clinton! At the same time you notice that the raging waters are about to take her under forever. You have two options: You can save the life of Hillary Clinton or you can shoot a dramatic Pulitzer Prize winning photo, documenting the death of one of the world's most powerful women (in her mind, at least).
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***************************************************************************************************** THE YEAR'S BEST [actual] HEADLINES OF 2007:
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************************************************************************************************ Humourous City Names Arsoli (Lazio, Italy) |
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****************************************************************************** HOW TO DRIVE IN SO. CAL HOW TO DRIVE IN LOS ANGELES, Orange and San Diego Counties : 1. You must first learn to pronounce the city name, it is L A 2. The morning rush hour is from 5:00am to noon. The evening rush hour is from noon to 7:00pm. Friday's rush hour starts on Thursday morning. 3. The minimum acceptable speed on most freeways is 85 mph. On the 105 or 110, your speed is expected to match the highway number. Anything less is considered "Wussy". 4. Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere. L A has its own version of traffic rules. For example, cars/trucks with the loudest muffler go first at a four-way stop; the trucks with the biggest tires go second. However, in Malibu , SUV-driving, cell phone-talking moms ALWAYS have the right of way. 5. If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be rear ended, cussed out, and possibly shot. 6. Never honk at anyone. Ever. Seriously. It's another offense that can get you shot. 7. Road construction is permanent and continuous in all of L A and Orange counties. Detour barrels are moved around for your entertainment pleasure during the middle of the night to make the next day's driving a bit more exciting. 8. Watch carefully for road hazards such as drunks, skunks, dogs, cats, barrels, cones, celebs, rubberneckers, shredded tires, cell phoners, deer and other road kill, and the coyotes feeding on any of these items. 9. MapQuest does not work here, none of the roads are where they say they are or go where they say they do and all the freeway off and on ramps are moved each night. 10. If someone actually has their turn signal on, wave them to the shoulder immediately to let them know it has been "accidentally activated." 11. If you are in the left lane and only driving 70 in a 55-65 mph zone, you are considered a road hazard and will be "flipped off" accordingly. If you return the flip, you'll be shot. 12. Do not try to estimate travel time, just leave Monday afternoon for Tuesday appointments, by noon Thursday for Friday and right after church on Sunday for anything on Monday morning. |
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*************************************************************************************************** Excerpts from a Dog's Daily Diary: 8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing! 9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing! 9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing! 10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing! 12:00 pm - Lunch! My favorite thing! 1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing! 3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing! 5:00 pm - Milk bones! My favorite thing! 7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing! 8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing! 11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!
Excerpts from a Cat's Daily Diary: Day 683 of my captivity: My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the floor. Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates of what I am capable. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I am. The audacity! There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of "allergies." I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage. Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs. I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded! The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicating with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe....... for now... |
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********************************************************************************************************* The Drunk Driver From the county where drunk driving is considered a sport, comes this true story. Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a bar in Ellsworth, Maine after last call the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so apparently intoxicated that he could barely walk. |
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******************************************************************************************************** DADDY'S GONNA EAT YOUR FINGERS ... b) had kids, c) was a kid, d) knows a kid e) is going to have kids. I was packing for my business trip and my three year old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point she said, "Daddy, look at this," and stuck out two of her fingers. Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her tiny fingers in my mouth and said, "Daddy's gonna eat your fingers," pretending to eat them. Went back to packing, looked up again and my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face. I said, "What's wrong, honey?" She replied, "What happened to my booger?" |
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****************************************************************************************************** Californians 7. You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are grown, and you can taste the difference between Sumatran and Ethiopian.
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*************************************************************************************************************** Top 10 Reasons There Are No Black NASCAR Drivers |
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****************************************************************************************************** Are you a Democrat, Republican or Southerner? You decide.
You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, an Islamic Terrorist with a huge knife Comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, Screams obscenities, praises Allah, raises the knife, And charges at you. You are carrying a Glock 40 cal pistol, and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do? Does the man look poor! Or oppressed? Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack? Could we run away? What does my wife think? What about the kids? What does the law say about this situation? Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children? Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me? Should I call 9-1-1? Why is this street so deserted? What can I do to understand his behavior, to relate to his concerns? We need to raise taxes, have paint and weed day and make this happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior. *************************************************************************************** Pedro and Carlos are panhandling in Los Angeles Pedro drives a Lexus SUV, lives in a mortgage-free house and has a lot of money to spend. Carlos only brings in 2 to 3 dollars a day. Carlos asks Pedro how he can bring home a suitcase full of $10.00 bills every day Pedro says, "Look at your sign. It reads: "I have no work, a wife and 6 kids to support. Pedro says look at *my* sign." Carlos looks at Pedro's sign. It reads: "I only need another $10.00 to move back to Mexico for good." *************************************************************************************** The Redneck’s on Vacation A redneck family from the hills of Tennessee was visiting the city and they were in a mall for the first time in their lives. The father and son were strolling around while the wife shopped. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular number above the walls light up sequentially. **************************************************************************************** PART A: WOMEN-DRINKS, WHO THEY ARE, & YOU! Drink: Beer Personality: Causal, low-maintenance; down to earth. Your Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool. Drink: Blender Drinks Personality: Flaky, whiny, annoying; a pain in the ass. Your Approach: Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabana boy Drink: Mixed Drinks Personality: Older, more refined, high maintenance, has very picky taste; knows EXACTLY what she wants. Your Approach: You won't have to approach her. If she's interested, she'll send YOU a drink.................. Drink: Wine (does not include White Zinfandel) Personality: Conservative and classy; sophisticated yet giggles. Your Approach: Tell her you love to travel and spend quiet evenings with friends. Drink: White Zinfandel Personality: Easy; thinks she is classy and sophisticated, actually, she has NO clue. Your Approach: Make her feel smarter than she is...this should be an easy target. Drink: Shots Personality: Likes to hang with frat-boy pals and looking to get totally drunk... and naked. Your Approach: Easiest hit in the joint. You have been blessed. Nothing to do but wait, however, be careful not to make her mad! Drink: Tequila No explanations required - everyone just KNOWS what happens there. PART B: MAN-DRINKS & WHO THE MEN ARE! THEN, there is the MALE addendum -- The deal with guys is, as always, very simple and clear cut: Domestic Beer: He's poor and wants to get laid. Imported Beer: He likes good beer and wants to get laid .. Wine: He is hoping that the wine will give him a sophisticated image to help him get laid. Whiskey: He doesn't give a damn about anything but getting laid. Tequila: He is thinking he has a chance with the toothless waitress. White Zinfandel: He's gay ************************************************************************************ The Trip To The Welfare Office A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches straight up to the counter and says, "Hi... You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job." The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You will have to satisfy her sexual urges. You'll be provided a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The starting salary is $200,000 a yearThe guy, wide-eyed, says, "You're Bullshittin' me!"The Social Worker says, "Yeah, well... You started it!" *************************************************************************************** Ted Nugent & Hunting Subject: Deer Hunter Ted Nugent, an avid hunter, was being interviewed by a French journalist. The journalist asked, "What do you think the last thought is in the mind of a deer before you shoot it? Is it, "Are you my friend?" or is it "Are you the one who killed my brother?" Nugent replied, "Deer aren't capable of that kind of thinking. All they care about is, 'What am I going to eat next, who am I going to screw next, and can I run fast enough to get away.' They are very much like the French." *************************************************************************************** HER DIARY: Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. He had gone deer hunting with friends and I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong; he said, "Nothing." I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it. On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior. I don't know why he didn't say, "I love you, too." When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. To my surprise, he responded to my caress, and we made love. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster. HIS DIARY: Missed a big deer today, but at least I got laid.
************************************************************************************* SCHOOL ANSWERING MACHINE (This is hilarious - no wonder some people were offended!) This is the actual answering machine message for the school. This came about because they implemented a policy requiring students and parents to be responsible for their children's absences and missing homework. The school and teachers are being sued by parents who want their children's failing grades changed to passing grades - even though those children were absent 15-30 times during the semester and did not complete enough schoolwork to pass their classes. The outgoing message:
******************************************************************************************************************** The BOOK REPORT Students were assigned to read 2 books, "Titanic" & "My Life" by Bill Clinton. One smart-ass student turned in the following book report, with the proposition that they were nearly identical stories! His cool professor gave him an A+ for this report: Titanic... $29.99 Titanic... During ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined. ************************************************************************************ Stress Management Just in case you had a rough day, here's an eight-step stress
****************************************************************************** Larry & the Gift Larry was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less then 6 seconds...AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!!" The next morning Larry got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a beautifully wrapped gift-box in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe, ran out to the driveway and brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale. Larry has been missing since Friday. ****************************************************************************************************************** The Newlyweds
A young couple on their wedding night were in their honeymoon suite. As they were undressing for bed, the husband, a big burly man, tossed his trousers to his new bride. He said, "Here, put these on." She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body. "I can't wear your trousers." she said. "That's right,'' said the husband, "and don't you ever forget it. I'm the man who wears the pants in this family. "With that she flipped him her panties and said, "Try these on. "He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps. "Hell," he said. ''I can't get into your panties!" She replied, "That's right...and that's the way it is going to stay until your attitude changes. ********************************************************************************** 3 Questions ******************************************************************************************************************* Subject: 25 Years vs. 50 Years When I had been married 25 years I took a look at my wife one day and said, "Honey, 25 years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25-year-old blonde". "Now, we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 50-year-old woman. It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things." My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 25-year-old blonde, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed. Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve your mid-life crises! ************************************************************************************* How do these people survive? ONE Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen nuggets. "We don't have half dozen nuggets," said the teenager at the counter. "You don't?" I replied. "We only have six, nine, or twelve,” as the reply. "So I can't order half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?" "That's right." So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets TWO I was checking out at the local Wal-Mart with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those "dividers" that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed. After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the "divider", looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it. Not finding the bar code she said to me, "Do you know how much this is?" I said to her "I've changed my mind; I don't think I'll buy that today." She said "OK” and I paid her for the things and left. She had no clue to what had just happened. THREE A lady at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly. When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM "thingy." FOUR I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. "Do you need some help?" I asked. She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?" "Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm, too?" I asked. "No, just this remote thingy," she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk." FIVE Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?" "Just use copier machine paper," the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five "blank" copies. SIX I was in a car dealership a while ago, when a large motor home was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in "Twister." I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had set the "cruise control" and then went in the back to make a sandwich. SEVEN My neighbor works in the operations department in the central office of a large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have problems with their computers. One night he got a call from a woman in one of the branch banks who had this question: "I've got smoke coming from the back of my terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?" EIGHT Police in Radnor , Pa , interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed. NINE A mother calls 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if she needs to take her kid to the emergency room, the kid was eating ants. The dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadryl and it should be fine, the mother says, I just gave him some ant killer..... Dispatcher: Rush him in to emergency room! Life is tough. It's tougher if you're stupid *********************************************************************************** Should children witness childbirth? Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call. The house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-yr old girl, to hold aflashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver thebaby. Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked. Mommy pushed and pushed and after a little while, Connor was born. The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry. The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-yr old what she thought about what she had just witnessed. Kathleen quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place......smack his ass again!" If you don't laugh at that one, there's no hope for you. ********************************************************************************** Subject: FW: REDNECK PICK UP LINES Redneck Man's pick up lines 1) Did you fart? cuz you blew me away. 2) Are yer parents retarded? cuz ya sure are special. 3) My Love fer you is like diarrhea ... I can't hold it in. 4) Do you have a library card? cuz I'd like to sign you out. 5) Is there a mirror in yer pants? cuz I can see myself in em. 6) If you in I were Squirrels, I'd store my nuts inyer hole. 7) You might not be the best lookin girl here, but beauty's only a light switch away. 8) Man - "Fat Penguin!" Woman - "WHAT?" Man - "I just wanted to say something that would break the ice." 9) I know I'm not no Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make yer bed-rock. 10) I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went inta this cheap motel room. 11) Yer eyes are as blue as window cleaner. 12) If yer gunna regret this in the mornin, we kin sleep til afternoon. and.... the best for last! 13) Yer face reminds me of a wrench, every time I think of it my nuts tighten up. ************************************************************************************ The Top Ten Reasons Men Prefer Guns over Women #10. You can trade an old 44 for a new 22. #9. You can keep one gun at home and have another for when you're on the road. #8. If you admire a friend's gun and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times. #7. Your primary gun doesn't mind if you keep another gun for a backup. #6. Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo. #5. A gun doesn't take up a lot of closet space. #4. Guns function normally every day of the month. #3. A gun doesn't ask, "Do these new grips make me look fat?" #2. A gun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it. And the number one reason #1. YOU CAN BUY A SILENCER FOR A GUN. ********************************************************************************** DON'T SAY I DIDN'T WARN YOU. READ ON AND WATCH WHEN SHE SAYS THESE WORDS 2.) Five Minutes : If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house. 3.) Nothing : This is the calm before the storm. This means something,and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine. 4.) Go Ahead : This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It! 5.) Loud Sigh : This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.) 6.) That's Okay : This is one of the most dangerous statements a woman can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake. 7.) Thanks : A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say 8.) Whatever : Is a women's way of saying F@!K YOU! 9.) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to #3. *********************************************************************************** HEADACHES!!! A woman comes home and tells her husband, "Remember those headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone." I do not have a headache. I do not have a headache. It worked! The headaches are all gone!" The husband replies, "Well, that is wonderful." His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?" The husband agrees to try it. Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his His wife says, "Boy, that was wonderful!" The husband says, "Don't move! I will be right back." He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than the first time. The wife sits up and her head is spinning. Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." With that, he goes back in the bathroom. This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees him standing at the mirror and saying: "She's not my wife." "She's not my wife." "She's not my wife!" His funeral service will be held on Monday.~~ ********************************************************************************* When you have an "I Hate My Job" day, try this: Go to your pharmacy and purchase a Johnson & Johnson Rectal Thermometer. Be very sure you get this brand. When you get home, lock your doors and draw the curtains. Put on some comfortable clothes. Sit in your favorite comfortable chair and open the package and remove the thermometer. OK, now the fun part begins: Take out the lititure and read the very small print there is on the bottom. You will find the following statement, “Every Rectal Thermometer has been personally tested."
******************************************************************************** TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US, PLEASE!!!! The 3 sisters One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me . I know we've been friends for a long time, but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is." Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?" After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red again. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, do you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!" Mildred turned to her and said, "Crap, am I driving?" The Stolen Car
_____________________________________________________ The 101 & the 5 Frwy A Highway Patrol Officer is on patrol on the 5 Fwy in L.A. when he sees a car merging off the 101 Fwy and into the fast lane of the 5 fwy travelling very slow. Traffic is flying past the car, nearly crashing into the rear end of the car. He pulls the vehicle over to avoid an accident. As he reaches the drivers door he sees 2 elderly women in the car. Both of them are breathing very heavily and they both have the look of fear on their faces. The Officer asks them if they know how fast they were going. The elderly woman driver answers in a shaking voice. “I was going 5 MPH Officer. Is there a problem.” The Officer explains to them the danger they were in and asks why they were going so slow. The woman says in a cunfused voice. “What do you mean. That sign says 5 so I was going the speed limit. I always drive the speed limit.” The Officer explains to them that the speed limit is 65 and that the sign they were referring to was the 5 Fwy. At this moment, the woman says “Oh I am sorry, we are visiting relatives and we just came off the 101 Fwy to go to the airport. That would explain why all those cars were going so slow back there. Thank goodness because I have to get on the 405 and I wasn’t sure I could go that fast.” *********************************************************************************************************** 9 Things I Hate About Everyone 1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.... I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is? 2 People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the T.V. remote because they refuse to walk to the T.V. and change the channel manually. 3 When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Damn right! What good is cake if you can't eat it? 4 When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they? Gonna Kick their asses! 5 When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor. 6 People who ask "Can I ask you a question?".... Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine? 7. When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it, couldn't be new. 8 When people say "life is short". What the hell?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer? 9 When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here, dumbass? |
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**************************************************************************************************************** 65 Ways To Piss Off A Cop
64. If he is an older cop, say “huh, failed the Sergeants exam didn’t you. 65. If he ask you what you do for a living tell him you grow “Up Doc”. When he asks “What’s Up Doc.” Laugh and point at him. |
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********************************************************************************************************* Who loves you more, your dog or your wife Just try this experiment. Put your dog and your wife in the trunk of the car for an hour. When you open the trunk, see who is really happy to see you?* ************************************************************************************* The Bank Robber A man walks into a bank, gets in line, and when it's his turn he pulls out a gun and robs the bank. Just to make sure he leaves no witnesses, he turns around and asks the next customer in line, "Did you see me rob this bank?" The customer replies, "Yes, I did!" The bank robber raises his gun, points it at the guys head, pulls the trigger and kills him deader than a door nail. The man calmly responds, "No, but my wife did!" |
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************************************************************************************************************* Clinton the horse thief Republican Version |
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************************************************************************************************** They live amongst us IDIOT SIGHTING : We had to have the garage door repaired. The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a "large" enough motor on the opener. I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower. He shook his head and said, "Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower." I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4. He said, "NO, it's not." Four is larger than two.." My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window and I gave the clerk a $5 bill. Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter. She said, "you gave me too much money." I said, "Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar bill back." She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request. I did so, and he handed me back the quarter, and said "We're sorry but they could not do that kind of thing." The clerk then proceeded to give me back$1 and 75 cents in change. I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road. The reason: "Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore." My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had iceburg Lettuce. I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?" To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?" He smiled knowingly and nodded, IDIOT SIGHTING: The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?!" At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker. She was leaving the company due to "downsizing." Our manager commented cheerfully, "This is fun. We should do this more often." Not another word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare. I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the sake of her life, couldn't understand why her system would not turn on. When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the drivers side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "its open!" His reply, "I know. I already got that side." |
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***************************************************************************************************8 The Cowboy, the Indian and the Muslem Three strangers strike up a conversation in the airport passenger lounge in Bozeman , Montana , while awaiting their respective flights. One is an American Indian passing through from Lame Deer. Another is a Cowboy on his way to Billings for a livestock show & the third passenger is a fundamentalist Arab student, newly arrived at Montana State University from the Middle East. Their discussion drifts to their diverse cultures. Soon, the two Westerners learn that the Arab is a devout, radical Muslim and the conversation falls into an uneasy lull. The cowboy leans back in his chair, crosses his boots on a magazine table and tips his big sweat-stained hat forward over his face. The wind outside is blowing tumbleweeds around, and the old windsock is flapping; but s till no plane comes. Finally, the American Indian clears his throat and softly he speaks, "At one time here, my people were many, but sadly, now we are few." The Muslim student raises an eyebrow and leans forward, "Once my people were few," he sneers, "and now we are many. Why do you suppose that is?" The Montana cowboy shifts his toothpick to one side of his mouth and from the darkness beneath his Stetson says in a smooth drawl . . "That's 'cause we ain't played Cowboys and Muslims yet, but I do believe it's a-comin'." |
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******************************************************************************************************** The Chicken and the Movie Theater THE THEATER TICKET AGENT ASKED, 'SIR, WHAT'S THAT ON YOUR SHOULDER?' THE OLD FARMER SAID, 'THAT'S MY PET ROOSTER CHUCK. WHEREVER I GO, CHUCK GOES..' 'I'M SORRY SIR,' SAID THE TICKET AGENT. 'WE CAN'T ALLOW ANIMALS IN THE THEATER.' THE OLD FARMER WENT AROUND THE CORNER AND STUFFED THE BIRD DOWN HIS OVERALLS.. THEN HE RETURNED TO THE BOOTH, BOUGHT A TICKET, AND ENTERED THE THEATER. HE SAT DOWN NEXT TO TWO OLD WIDOWS, MILDRED AND MARGE. THE OLD FARMER UNBUTTONED HIS FLY SO CHUCKY COULD STICK HIS HEAD OUT AND WATCH THE MOVIE. 'MARGE,' WHISPERED MILDRED. 'WHAT?' SAID MARGE. 'I THINK THE GUY NEXT TO ME IS A PERVERT.' 'WHAT MAKES YOU THINK SO?' ASKED MARGE. 'HE UNDID HIS PANTS AND HE HAS HIS THING OUT', WHISPERED MILDRED. 'WELL, DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT', SAID MARGE. 'HELL, AT OUR AGE WE'VE SEEN 'EM ALL.' 'I THOUGHT SO, TOO', SAID MILDRED, 'BUT THIS ONE'S EATIN' MY POPCORN.' |
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*************************************************************************************************** What it means to be Irish 1) You will never play professional basketball. 21) If you don't know Murph then you know Mac. If you don't know Murph or Mac then you know Sully. Then you probably know Sully McMurphy. (On a personal note I am Irish/American Indian hence the nick name “Red Dog”) |
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************************************************************************************************** When O.J. Goes To Hell One day in the future, OJ Simpson has a heart-attack and dies (or with any luck sliced to death very slowly). He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him. 'I don't know what to do here,' says the devil. 'You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got some folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves.'
The Next door opened the Devil revealed Obama with a shovel where he has to dig a grave for each victim lost on 9/11 and every other victim lost to muslem violence. O.J. saw this and said I can’t do this either saying “I've got this problem with my shoulder.”
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WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED: Men Are Just Happier People-- What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be President. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time. ! Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend. Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck. You can play with toys all your life. One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can "d o" your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache. You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes. No wonder men are happier. |
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If Abbott & Costello Were Still Alive You have to be old enough to remember Abbott and Costello, and too old to REALLY understand computers, to fully appreciate this. For those of us who sometimes get flustered by our computers, please read on.. COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer? COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much? |
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We all know those cute little computer symbols called 'emoticons,' where: |
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*********************************************************** A Letter To A Customer From An Adult Store DEAR MADAM: |
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*********************************************************** GEOGRAPHY OF WOMEN: Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa , half discovered, half wild,
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*********************************************************** An older lady gets pulled over for speeding... Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun. |
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*********************************************************** Hallmark Greetings ( Almost ) 1. I always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. And now that you've come into my life... (Inside card) - I've changed my mind.. 2. I must admit, you brought religion into my life ... (Inside card) - I never believed in Hell until I met you. 3. As the days go by, I think how lucky I am .. . . (Inside card) - That you're not here to ruin it for me. 4. Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go . . (Inside card) - Will you take the knife from my back? You'll probably need it again. 5. Someday I hope to marry… (Inside card) - Someone other than you. 6. Happy Birthday! You look great for your age . . . (Inside card) - Almost lifelike! 7. When we were together, you said you'd die for me ... (Inside card) - Now we've broken up, I think it's time to keep your promise. 8. We've been friends for a very long time . . (Inside card) - What do you say we stop? 9. I'm so miserable without you . . (Inside card) - It's almost like you're still here. 10. Congratulations on your new bundle of joy . .. . (Inside card) - Did you ever find out who the father was? 11. You are such a good friend. If we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket . . . (Inside card) - I'd miss you terribly and think of you often.. 12. Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your Birthday (Inside card) - So we're having you put to sleep. 13. Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad! (inside card).... Available only in Alabama , Mississippi , Arkansas and Kentucky 14. Looking back over the years we've been together, I can't help but wonder . . . (Inside card) - What was I thinking? 15. Congratulations on your wedding day! . . . (Inside card) - Too bad no one likes your husband. |
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*********************************************************** Sex In The Shower? **************************************************** SPEEDING Humor… A Madison, SD policeman had a perfect spot to watch for speeders, but wasn't getting many. Then he discovered the problem--a 12 year-old boy was standing up the road with a hand painted sign, which read 'RADAR TRAP AHEAD'. The officer also found the boy had an accomplice who was down the road with a sign reading 'TIPS' and a bucket full of money. (And we used to just sell lemonade!)
A Young woman was pulled over for speeding. A South Dakota State Trooper walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she said, "I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the State Trooper's Ball." He replied, "South Dakota State Troopers don't have balls."There was a moment of silence. He then closed his book, got back in his patrol car and left. ******************************************************************************* The Tattoo Larry gets home late one night and, Linda, his wife says, 'Where in the hell have you been?' Larry replies, 'I was out getting a tattoo.' ''A tattoo?' she frowned. 'What kind of tattoo did you get?' 'I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates,' he said proudly. 'What the hell were you thinking?' she said, shaking her head in disgust. 'Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred dollar bill tattooed on his privates?' 'Well, One, I like to watch my money grow. Two, once in a while I like to play with my money. Three, I like how money feels in my hand. And, last, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want.' Larry is recovering in room 233 at Long Beach Memorial. :)t ******************************************************************************* It’s All In How You Say It Recently I checked into a hotel and said to the receptionist, "I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled." |
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********************************************************************************** Police Sensitivity ChicagoPolice today reported finding a john doe male body in the Chicago River . The victim apparently drowned due to excessive narcotics consumption. He was wearing black fishnet stockings, a red garter belt, a strap-on dildo, and an obama t-shirt. He also had a cucumber stuffed up his ass. The police thoughtfully removed the obama t-shirt to spare the family any unnecessary embarrassment |
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************************************************************************************* In response to Obama's complaint that FOX News doesn't show enough Black and Hispanic people on their network, FOX has announced that they will now air " America 's Most Wanted" TWICE a week. * |
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************************************************************************ Playboy just offered Sarah Palin $1 Million to pose nude in the January issue... Michelle Obama got the same offer..........from National Geographic |
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*********************************************************** Some Ideas To Get Rid Of Telemarketers “First, you have to tell me what kind of underwear you’re wearing.” “I’m sorry, but I’m really busy right now. Give me your home number and I’ll call you back later tonight.” “Shhh. Wait a minute. I’m here robbing the house. Whoa! I think the owners just got home. Can you hold?” When someone asks whether a spouse is at home: “Yes, but I never allow her (him) to talk to strangers.” When someone asks how you are: “Well, I’m having an existential crisis at the moment. Let me explain....” “You want to sell me insurance? I’ve been trying to get insurance for years, but nobody will sell me any!” To someone hawking a rug-cleaning service, whisper: “Do you get goat’s blood out? How about identifiable fibers and that DNA stuff?” To a phone company solicitor: “That sounds Wait, can you hold for a minute?” (Leave the phone off the hook until he or she hangs up). When a chimney sweep or rug cleaner calls, break into tears and sob, “Is this some kind of a joke? My house burned down last night. We lost everything!” Learn show tunes. Anything by Ethel Merman tends to be the most effective. *********************************************************** Bumper Stickers Horn broken. Watch for finger. Your kid may be an honors student, but you’re still an idiot. All generalizations are false. Cover me. I’m changing lanes. I brake for no apparent reason. Learn from your parents’ mistakes—use birth control. I’m not as think as you drunk I am. Forget about World Peace... Visualize using your turn signal. We have enough youth, how about a fountain of Smart? He who laughs last thinks slowest. Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math. It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you. O’Auntie Em: Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog. Dorothy. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine. Time is what keeps everything from happening at once. I love cats... they taste just like chicken. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes. Forget the Joneses, I keep us up with the Simpsons. Born free... Taxed to death. The more people I meet, the more I like my dog. Laugh alone and the world thinks you’re an idiot. I get enough exercise just pushing my luck. Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let him sleep. All men are idiots, and I married their King. Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician. Work is for people who don’t know how to fish. Montana—At least our cows are sane! I didn’t fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian. Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition. If you don’t like the news, go out and make some. When you do a good deed, get a receipt—in case heaven is like the IRS. Sorry, I don’t date outside my species. No radio—Already stolen. Reality is a crutch for people who can’t handle drugs. Real women don’t have hot flashes, they have power surges. I took an IQ test and the results were negative. Where there’s a will, I want to be in it. OK, who stopped payment on my reality check? Few women admit their age; Fewer men act it. Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW. Tell me to “stuff it”—I’m a taxidermist. IRS: We’ve got what it takes to take what you’ve got. Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students. It’s lonely at the top, but you eat better. According to my calculations, the problem doesn’t exist. Some people are only alive because it is illegal to kill. Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have. A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory. Reality? Is that where the pizza delivery guy comes from? How can I miss you if you won’t go away? Warning: Dates in calendar are closer than they appear. Give me ambiguity or give me something else. We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse. Make it idiot-proof and someone will make a better idiot. Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else. Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies. Very funny Scotty, now beam down my clothes. Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps. i souport publik edekashun. Be nice to your kids. They’ll choose your nursing home. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder... There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can’t. Why is ‘abbreviation’ such a long word? Ever stop to think and forget to start again? Jesus is coming, everyone look busy. My kid had sex with your honor student. If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished. Help wanted telepath: you know where to apply. Jesus loves you... everyone else thinks you’re an asshole. I’m just driving this way to piss you off. Keep honking, I’m reloading. Hang up and drive. Lord save me from your followers. Guns don’t kill people, postal workers do. Ask me about microwaving cats for fun and profit. I said “no” to drugs, but they just wouldn’t listen. Friends don’t let Friends drive Naked. If we aren’t supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat? Diplomacy is the art of saying “Nice doggie!”... till you can find a rock. Sex on television can’t hurt you... unless you fall off. We’re not in jail, and I’m not your bitch, so get off my ass! *********************************************************** The World’s Shortest Books Things I wouldn’t do for Money, by Dennis Rodman. Human Rights Advances in China. The Differences Between Reality and Dilbert. The Book of Virtue, by Bill Clinton. To all the Men I’ve Loved Before, by Ellen DeGeneres. My Plan to Find the Real Killers, by OJ Simpson. Strom Thurmond: Intelligent Quotes. Al Gore: The Wild Years. Amelia Earhart’s Guide to the Pacific Ocean. America’s Most Popular Lawyers. Career Opportunities for History Majors. Detroit—A Travel Guide. Different Ways to Spell “Bob”. Dr. Kevorkian’s Collection of Motivational Speeches. Easy UNIX. Ethiopian Tips on World Dominance. Everything Men Know About Women. Everything Women Know About Men. French Hospitality. George Foreman’s Big Book of Baby Names. How to Sustain a Musical Career, by Art Garfunkel. One Hundred and One Spotted Owl Recipes by the EPA. Staple Your Way to Success. The Amish Phone Book. The Engineer’s Guide to Fashion. *********************************************************** The Worst Pick Up Lines Your name must be Daisy, because I have the incredible urge to plant you right here! Roses are red, violets are blue, I like spaghetti, let’s go screw. Just call me milk, I’ll do your body good. Your body’s name must be Visa, because it’s everywhere I want to be. Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money? I may not be Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make your Bed Rock. I may not be the best looking guy here, but I’m the only one talking to you. My love for you is like the energizer bunny, it keeps going and going. That shirt looks very becoming on you, but if I were on you, I’d be coming too. Yo Baby, you be my Dairy Queen, I’ll be your Burger King, you treat me right, and I’ll do it your way right away. I’d like to screw your brains out, but it appears that someone beat me to it. I enjoy doing maintenance, you look like someone I would like to “tinker” around with. You must be from Pearl Harbor, cause baby you’re the Bomb. If you were a new hamburger at McDonald’s, you would be McGorgeous. Is that Windex? Because I can see myself in your pants. I’m a bird watcher and I’m looking for a Big Breasted Bed Thrasher, have you seen one? I wish you were a Pony Carousel outside Walmart, so I could ride you all day long for a quarter. Wanna Play House? You be the screen door and I’ll slam you all night long. If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon. Oh, I’m sorry, I thought that was a braille name tag. If you were a car, I’d wax you and ride you all over town. Guy: “Would you like to dance?” Excuse me, do you have your phone number, I seem to have lost mine. I’m new in town, could I have directions to your house. If your left leg was Thanksgiving and your right leg Christmas, can I visit you between the Holidays? You look like a girl that has heard every line in the book, so what’s one more going to hurt? Fuck me if I’m wrong, but is your name Yolanda? I love every bone in your body—especially mine. You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away. Hi, I’m a necrophiliac, how good are you at playing dead? I lost my bed, can I borrow yours? You must be Jamaican, because Jamaican me crazy. My recipe for love is one cup of you, one cup of me, nead till hard, and serve hot. You be the tree, and I’ll wrap you like a Koala. Hey baby, I’m like American Express, you don’t want to leave home without me. Do you have a quarter? My mother told me to call home when I met the girl of my dreams. Hey baby, what’s your sign? Caution, slippery when wet, dangerous curves ahead, yield? Hi my name is _______, remember it, cause you’ll be screaming it all night long. I can’t find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went into this cheap motel room. Want to play conductor? You be the engineer and I’ll go choo choo. You must be Jelly, cause jam don’t shake like that. The fact that I’m missing my teeth just means that there’s more room for your tongue. Guy: “Haven’t I seen you someplace before?” Hi, my name is Skippy, like the peanut butter I stick to the roof of your mouth. Hi, my name is Pogo, want to jump on my stick? Guy: “Do you sleep on your stomach?” *********************************************************** How To Respond To Pickup Lines “Haven’t we met before?” “Haven’t I seen you someplace before?” “Is this seat empty?” “So, wanna go back to my place?” “Your place or mine?” “I’d like to call you. What’s your number?” “But I don’t know your name.” “So what do you do for a living?” “What sign were you born under?” “Hey, baby, What’s your sign?” “How do you like your eggs in the morning?” “I’m here to fulfill your every sexual fantasy.” “I know how to please a woman.” “I want to give myself to you.” “I can tell that you want me.” “If I could see you naked, I’d die happy.” “Hey cutie, how ’bout you and I hitting the hot spots?” “May I see you pretty soon?” “Your body is like a temple.” “I’d go through anything for you.” “I would go to the end of the world for you.”
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*********************************************************** SOME HUMOR: The Naked Man & His Bucket: The weather was very hot and this man wanted desperately to take a dive in a nearby lake. He didn't bring his swimming outfit, but who cared? He was all alone. So he undressed and got into the water. After some delightful minutes of cool swimming, a pair of old ladies walked onto the shore in his direction. He panicked, got out of the water and grabbed a bucket lying in the sand nearby. He held the bucket in front of his private parts and sighed with relief. The ladies got nearby and looked at him. He felt awkward and wanted to move. Then one of the ladies said: 'You know , I have a special gift, I can read minds.' 'Impossible', said the embarrassed man, 'You really know what I think?' 'Yes', the lady replied, 'Right now, I bet you think that the bucket you're holding has a bottom in it ! |
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Cosmetic Surgery: Two women are discussing the merits of cosmetic surgery. The first woman says, "I need to be honest with you, I'm getting a boob job." The second woman says "Oh that's nothing, I'm thinking of having my asshole bleached!" To which the first replies, "Whoa I just can't picture your husband as a blonde!" |
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*********************************************************** Subject: The Ant and the Grasshopper OLD VERSION: The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, Nancy Pelosi & John Kerry exclaim in an interview with Larry King that the ant has gotten rich off the back of the grasshopper, and both call for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his fair share. |
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*********************************************************** WHERE DO REDHEADED BABIES COME FROM? She can't possibly be mine.' 'It isn't possible,' the man insisted. 'This can't be, our families on both 'Well,' said the doctor, 'let me ask you this. How often do you have sex?' 'I've been working very hard for the past year. We only made 'Well, there you have it!' The doctor said confidently. 'It's rust.' |
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*********************************************************** Hookers or Housewives? A mother, accompanied by her small daughter, was in New York City. The The cabbie, upon hearing this exchange, turns to the mother and says, "Ahhhhhhh, C'mon lady!!!! Tell your daughter the truth!!!! For crying out loud. They're hookers!" A brief period of silence follows, and the daughter then asks, "Mummy, do the ladies have any children?" The mother replies, "Of course, dear. Where do you think cabbies come from?" |
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*********************************************************** Sexy Dragon! A Chinese man had three daughters; he asked his eldest daughter what kind of man she would like to marry. "I would like to marry a man with three dragons on his chest", said the eldest daughter. He then asked his second daughter whom she would like to marry. "I would like to marry a man with two dragons on his chest", said the second daughter. He finally asked his youngest daughter whom she would like to marry. "I would like to marry a man with one draggin' on the ground", said the youngest daughter. *********************************************************** How to use the economic stimulus payment ! As you may have heard the Bush Administration said each and every one of us would now get a nice rebate. If we spend that money at Wal-Mart, all the money will go to China. If we spend it on gasoline it will all go to the Arabs, If we purchase a computer it will all go to India, If we purchase fruit and vegetables it will all go to Mexico, Honduras, and Guatemala, If we purchase a good car it will all go to Japan, If we purchase useless crap it will all go to Taiwan and none of it will help the American economy. We need to keep that money here in America, so the only way to keep that money here at home is to buy prostitutes and beer, since those are the only businesses still in the US. *********************************************************** Never Under Estimate A Parent I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes. We decided to grab a bite at the food court. *********************************************************** The Wal Mart Greeter A very loud, very unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into The Wal-Mart Greeter said pleasantly 'Good morning, and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?' The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, 'Hell no they ain't. The older one's 9 and the other one's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?' *********************************************************** The Lone Ranger & Tonto The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they *********************************************************** HOW THE FIGHT STARTED
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CNN reports that gas stations will start playing porn at the pump. So you can see someone else getting screwed :) |
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*********************************************************** MEXICAN HURRICANE A CATEGORY 5 HURRICANE hits Mexico. Two million Mexicans die and over a million are injured. The country is totally ruined and the government doesn't know where to start and is asking for help to rebuild. The rest of the world is in shock. God bless America!!!! |
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*********************************************************** Black hurricanes.... Well, it appears our African-American friends have found yet something else to be pissed about. A black congresswoman (this would be Sheila Jackson Lee, of Houston ), reportedly complained that the names of hurricanes are all Caucasian sounding names. She would prefer some names that reflect African-American culture such as Chamiqua, Tanisha, Woeisha, Shaqueal, and Jamal. I am NOT making this up! She would also like the weather reports to be broadcast in 'language' that street people can understand because one of the problems that happened in New Orleans was, that black people couldn't understand the seriousness of the situation, due to the racially biased language of the weather report. I guess if the weather person says that the winds are going to blow at 140 MPH, thats too hard to understand I can hear it now: A weatherman in New Orleans says... Wazzup, mutha-fukkas! Hehr-i-cane Chamiqua be headin' fo' yo ass like Leroy on a crotch rocket! Bitch be a category fo'! So, turn off dem chitlins, grab yo' chirren, leave yo crib, and head fo' de nearest FEMA office fo yo FREE shit! |
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*********************************************************** Frozen Skunk A man and his wife were driving home one very cold night when the wife asks her husband to stop the car. There was a baby skunk lying at the side of the road, and she got out to see if it was still alive. It was, and she said to her husband, 'It's nearly frozen to death. Can we take it with us, get it warm, And let it go in the morning?' He says, 'OK, get in the car with it.' The wife says, 'Where shall I put it to get it warm?' He says, 'Put it between your legs. It's nice and warm there.' 'But what about the smell?' said the wife. He says, 'Just hold the skunk's nose.' *********************************************************** A Magic Show During a recent vacation in Atlantic City, a couple went to see a popular *********************************************************** BBQ RULES We are about to enter the summer and BBQ season. Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity, as it's the only type of cooking a 'real' man will do, probably because there is an element of danger involved. When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion:Routine... (1) The woman buys the food. (2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert. (3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - drink in hand. Here comes the important part: (4) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL. More routine... (5) The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery. (6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another drink while he deals with the situation. Important again: (7) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN. More routine... (8) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces, and brings them to the table. (9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes. And most important of all: (10) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts. (11) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off." And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women... |
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*********************************************************** CURTAIN RODS----PRICELESS She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases. When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar into the hollow of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left. When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days. Then slowly, the house began to smell. Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move. A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house. |
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At a cocktail party, one woman said to another, |
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A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds: ************* When a woman steals your husband, *************** WHY AM I MARRIED? ************************** A woman is incomplete until she is married. Then she is finished . **************************** A little boy asked his father, ************************** A young son asked, Dad replied, "That happens in every country, son." ************************ Then there was a woman who said, ************************* If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say -- talk in your sleep. ***************************** Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all. ************************* First guy says, "My wife's an angel!" ****************************** "A Woman's Prayer: *************************** AND NOW FOR THE FAVORITE!!! When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus. So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy." The blind man replies, "If you had put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus, so shut the hell up." |
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*********************************************************** Guts vs Balls Guts or Balls? There is a medical distinction. We've all heard about people having guts or balls, but do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, and to alleviate further confusion, the following definitions are listed below: - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: 'Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?' - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say: 'You're next, Chubby.' I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome, since both ultimately end in death. |
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*********************************************************** WHY ARE WEDDING DRESSES WHITE? IT MUST HAVE BEEN A VERY BRAVE MAN WHO WROTE THIS!!!!!! |
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*********************************************************** Eve's side of the story... After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve. Now doesn't THAT make more sense than that story about the rib? |
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*********************************************************** Sad passing: Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community. The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71. Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The grave site was piled high with flours. Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times he still wasa crusty old man and was considered a positive roll model for millions. Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough, two children, John Dough and Jane Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart. The funeral was held at 350 for about 20 minutes. If this made you smile for even a brief second, please rise to the occasion and take time to pass it on and share that smile with someone else that may be having a crummy day and kneads it. |
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*********************************************************** A Visit To The Doctors Office A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients while he was performing their colonoscopies: |
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*********************************************************** The Retire Goes To Work At Wal Mart After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Dear Mrs. Samuel, 2.July2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5 minute intervals. 11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme. |
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************************************************************************************* Barrack Obama, Michelle Obama and Oprah Winfrey were flying on Obama's private plane. |
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********************************************************************** 'After numerous rounds of 'We don't even know if Osama is still alive', Barrack Hussein Obama has now been telling everyone he will capture Osama Bin Laden when elected.' So, Osama Bin Laden himself decided to send Barrack Hussein Obama a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still in the game. Obama opened the letter and it contained a single line of coded message: 370H-SSV-0773H Obama was baffled, so he e-mailed it to Howard Dean. Dean and the DNC and his aides had no clue either, so they sent it to Joe Biden. Joe Biden could not solve so it was sent to the FBI and the CIA. Eventually they asked John McCain and his Staff to look at it. And within a minutes McCain's Staff e-mailed Obama with this reply: 'Tell Obama he's holding the message upside down' ************************************************** Just announced by the U.S. Secret Service are the code names for the New first family. ************************************************* Parking tickets and the retired The other day I went downtown to run a few errands and buy My wife some jewelry. I went into the local Jewelry store. I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired. The doctor tells me that it's important to my health. |
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******************************************************* Adult Material Revenge There was a 10 year old boy walking down the sidewalk dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him.
and HE'S the son-of-a-bitch who ran over my FROG !!" |
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HOW’S YOUR INSURANCE PLAN ******Adult Materal**** A wealthy woman was being shown around the hospital. During her tour she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating furiously. |
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************************************************************* Adult Jokes THIRD Place: |
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************************************************* The Lone Ranger is captured by Indians...***Adult Material Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back. As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.
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**************************************************** Jokes To Offend Everyone*******Adult Material******
20 LBS
45 minutes.
Through his chest with a sharp knife.
They can't stand criticism.
Because those men already have boyfriends.
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
The blonde, because she's 18.
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.
'Are you sure it's mine?'
Breasts don't have eyes.
A speech impediment.
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!
A Northern fairytale begins 'Once upon a time...' A southern fairytale begins 'Y'all ain't gonna believe this shiit...'
No one's tall enough to go on the good rides |
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************************************* Finally , the guys' side of the story. (I must admit, it's pretty good.)
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************************************************ THE VIBRATOR*****Adult Material**** Shocked, she asked: 'what in the world are you doing?' The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing like crazy. |
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********************************************************************** Subject: Craigslist ad in Atlanta
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